This is unlikely to be as funny a post as some of my previous ones (anyone who struggles with anxiety knows that it's hardly a topic of hilarity), but it's a post that I have felt needs to be written for a while now. Some people are lucky enough never to have experienced anxiety (I'm not talking about the usual nerves before an exam, butterflies in your stomach anxiety here; I'm talking about the paralysing, nauseating conviction that something awful is going to happen). I am not one of those people. Luckily my anxiety has been mostly controlled, but I am fully aware of the havoc that anxiety can wreck on your life (and the lives of those close to you) if it is not controlled.
I will try not to turn this into a pathophysiology lesson, but it helps to understand the basics of anxiety. Most importantly, anxiety is not a made-up thing. It has a biochemical pathogenesis. Some people are genetically more prone to anxiety, so you can probably blame your parents if you've struggled with anxiety from a young age. Obviously, environment also plays a role. The worst combination is when you have intrinsic anxiety (which means that even under perfect circumstances you struggle with feeling anxious) and are then dropped into a stressful situation. So pretty much lockdown. If you were struggling with anxiety before lockdown, I can almost bet that it's got a whole lot worse over the past few weeks.
Anxiety is a lot like pain in that the experience of it is subjective. It's impossible for me to project my feelings of anxiety onto you and presume that you experience anxiety in the same way. There are, however, a couple of symptoms that seem to be shared by many people with anxiety. These can range from physical symptoms such as excessive sweating, shaking, nausea, palpitations, chest pains and hyperventilation to emotional symptoms such as a fear of impending doom, irritability and depression. Uncontrolled anxiety can feel so overwhelming that it can paralyze you. It can also turn what appear to be insignificant stresses into insurmountable problems and this is often where it starts affecting relationships. People who have never struggled with anxiety may find that it's difficult to understand why something so seemingly insignificant can engender a very emotional response from a loved one who suffers from anxiety.
So, back to lockdown and why to anxiety it is like a spark on a jerrycan full of petrol. Firstly, and obviously, there is the stress of COVID. Personally, I find that the unknowns of the virus are what make me anxious: we don't know whether the data is accurate, we don't know with any certainty what the mortality of the virus is and we don't know why it reacts in certain ways in some people and in other ways in other people. I need the facts and the accurate stats to act like the bars of a cage to contain my anxiety. Without them, my anxiety monster starts escaping and messing with my brain.
Secondly, there is the fear and uncertainty around the actual lockdown: how long is it going to go on? Are we going to run out of food? What's going to happen to the economy? Add to this the fact that many people will face losing their jobs over this time, and you've got a wonderful, fertile feeding ground for the anxiety gremlin. Another aspect that can play into some people's anxiety is the fear of not being able to 'get away' when things start getting too much. Not everybody's safe place is their home.
The third aspect of lockdown that affects anxiety, a little more sneakily, is that lockdown often limits our usual coping mechanisms. My go-to when I'm feeling anxious is usually a nice long run or a very large glass of wine. I can't do the first and soon I may not have the second. Which leaves me feeling moderately grumpy and overwhelmed fairly often. Not great for my long-suffering husband and children. Obviously different people have different ways of coping with their own anxiety, but lockdown may well have affected these coping mechanisms leading to increasing anxiety.
The fourth factor is the social isolation that is integral to lockdown. Being alone (or even just feeling alone) tends to exaggerate feelings of anxiety. The anxiety monster is a lonely beast.
All is not doom and gloom, however. One thing that this lockdown period has taught me, is that I need to find new ways to tame my anxiety monster. Meditating has helped a lot, and I can do that quite comfortably from home (granted it's often in the bathroom so that I don't get harassed by my children). I've also found that turning off my phone and laptop for a while when I'm feeling overwhelmed helps to restore my perspective. I suppose that a shift in paradigm would be to look at this time as a time to learn an extra set of coping skills to have in your own personal arsenal against your anxiety monster.
Anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of and it should never be belittled or underestimated. It is very, very real. Sometimes, just knowing that you are not alone and that it's okay to be feeling anxious over this time can help. Sometimes you may need to look a little deeper and find new and different coping mechanisms. But sometimes anxiety can be debilitating and if yours is, I would encourage you to chat to your doctor or a therapist. The anxiety monster can be beaten, but you may need a little help during these times, and that's okay. Especially as your alcohol starts running out.
Comments