Nope, this isn't a post about either religion or sex (sorry). I'm talking about guilt. GUILT: something that seems to plague me constantly- maybe it has to do with how I was brought up, but I do think that a lot of us walk around carrying unnecessary guilt. We are guilty over our parenting (or perceived lack thereof); guilty about what we are or aren't eating and guilty over how much or little we are exercising; guilty about the fact that we aren't accomplishing all that everyone else seems to be achieving. I often wonder how many decisions in my life are made with guilt as the driving force. Since lockdown, a new and sneaky form of guilt has wriggled its way into my conscience and it's about that guilt that I want to talk now.
I am going to be blatantly honest here (and probably open myself up to severe public scrutiny), but lockdown hasn't been all soft fluffy toys and roses. Okay, I did have an overload of fluffy toys when my son decided to hand wash all of his soft toys in copious amounts of Sunlight soap- the bubbles were spectacular- but what I'm trying to get across is that there have been many moments that I've found very, very trying. There have been many times that I've wanted to give up, but that's not possible, so I've locked myself in my room and had a good cry instead. The constant packing and unpacking the dishwasher, the laundry that seems to reproduce with a life of its own, the nagging at my children that they don't realise drives me as mad as it drives them, the battle with schoolwork that never seems to lessen and the inability to escape for even just ten minutes, all sometimes begins to feel insurmountable. A few days ago, my husband woke up and the first words that he said to me were "I just wish things would go back to normal again," and I understood exact;y what he meant. There are times that I feel like I'm stuck in Groundhog Day and every morning I'm waking up to the same frustrating routine.
At this point you will either understand exactly what I'm describing or you will be condemning me for being a spoiled brat and that, dear reader, brings me to the essence of this post. All of the frustration, hopelessness and helplessness that I feel is made a hundred times worse by the guilt that comes with it, because in the harsh, cold light of day, I have it really easy. I have so very many blessings to count: I have a lovely house, I have enough food, I have a garden, I have security, I have internet access, I have (reasonably) intelligent children when they put their mind to it, I have some income still...the list of things for which I am grateful goes on and on. I've tried the gratitude thing: Day 10 lockdown: stunning seaview #Blessed #Grateful but the sea view just doesn't cut it when I'm trying to wade my way through ironing that needs to be done while simultaneously writing out a script for a patient and trying to figure out why my son is getting a surplus instead of a deficit in his EMS case study. What actually happens when I try too hard to be grateful is that I just end up feeling even worse because I feel guilty (there it is) for being unhappy while I obviously have so much to be grateful for. And then I feel even more guilty for feeling worse...you see how it goes?
So, what is the point of this post? I'm getting to it, in a round-about kind of way. I wasn't having a wallow in self-pity (okay, maybe a tiny little one) and I'm definitely not slating the gratitude gang (I'm actually all for gratitude and counting blessings). I merely wanted to point out how destructive guilt is and figure out a way to turn that guilt into something else that doesn't trigger a cycle of feeling bad. I've figured that the best way to deal with the guilt is to turn it into action. I've decided that when I feel guilt about being so privileged, I should use that guilt to motivate me to do something positive to help people who aren't as blessed as I am. So, finally, the point of this post is to...drumroll...ask any of my readers to fill in, in the comments section, the details of organisations that are helping the less fortunate. Offhand I know that Sugar Rush (@sugarrushkzn) is organising a community garden to which you can donate and this morning I shared details on our Thrive Family Practice Facebook page of an initiative that allows you to leave non-perishable food at the bottom of your driveway for collection. The donation can literally be as small as a tin of food (you have no idea how much that tin of food might mean to someone).
I often try to explain to patients that each person experiences their own pain, and just because someone else is struggling with the pain of a burst appendix, for example, it doesn't make the pain of your irritable bowel any less to you at that moment. It's the same with feeling overwhelmed. You are allowed to feel overwhelmed, upset, angry, irritable, frustrated and anxious despite having many things for which you are grateful. Just do something positive about it.
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