'Twas the day before lockdown and all through Ballito
Women were queuing to buy Woolies hot chickens-to-go
The bottle stores were busy, the queues out the door,
Cindy bought white wine and then bought some more,
While John stockpiled vodka and brandy and beer.
We are all alcoholics: that much soon became clear.
The food stores were worse, with fights in the aisles
And tinned food and pasta in trolleys in piles.
The store managers smiled and rubbed their hands
While people bought bog roll for hundreds of Rands.
'Twas the day before lockdown and all through the town
We'd have stockpiled more booze, if only we'd known
That three weeks from then Tops would be locked
and we would all be properly f**ked.
'Twas a week into lockdown and along the North Coast
People competed to see who'd accomplish the most.
Running round and round gardens became a weird fad:
1000 times! Say what?? Had people gone mad?
While down in the kitchens people started to bake:
Oh banana bread! Oh brownies! Oh crunchies! Oh cake!
Jenny started a course to learn how to speak French
And Mike posted pics of how much weight he could bench.
'Twas two weeks into lockdown, the meme's coming fast.
Only one week to go- of course we could last!
Although mom-of-four Shan, deep in her heart,
Felt herself feeling a flicker of doubt.
Could she keep going again and again,
repacking the dishwasher? Oh, what a pain!
While Mary compulsively counted bottles of wine
Trying to convince herself it would all be fine.
'Twas three weeks into quarantine, we were watching our tellies
While resting our hands on our big lockdown bellies.
Roger wanted to hear what Cyril would say...
At the end of the month, would he still get his pay?
Candy felt her heart sink, the news wasn't cool
Her three kids would still be attending home school.
'Though he'd abstained for years, Greg thought he might buy a smoke
Level four meant ciggies (if he wasn't so broke).
'Twas a month into lockdown and all through the town
Botox wore off and people started to frown.
Claire's kids didn't know her, they started to pray
When they saw their mum with her roots gone all grey.
With eyebrows like bushes, she sure looked a sight;
Her husband began to avoid her at night.
Lize piled on the kilo's, her clothes no longer fit
Her Instagram posts stopped being such a hit.
And all the online courses that had once been begun
No longer seemed at all like much fun.
'Twas five weeks into lockdown, the booze had run dry,
Shelly simply gave up and started to cry.
The kids were on Ritalin, the parents on Xanor
And everyone learnt that their spouse was a bore.
Make-up was forgotten, bra's- what are those?
Some people actually stopped changing their clothes.
Home schooling sucks, it's such a damn hack.
Dear Lord, please, when can my children go back?!
The house is a mess, but who gives a shit?
We've made frozen soup so we've done our bit.
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